The Enemy of Change

Toxic Impatience

Have you listened for the heartbeat of our humanity lately? Some would venture to say they can’t hear it at all. Others might say it’s rapid fire fast! I would agree with both depending on the context of the discussion.

For this conversation, let’s explore the latter. The rapid pulse of humanity is a sign of the growing impatience of our times. Not only are we living fast, but we also find ourselves frantic with multiple commitments demanding immediate results, instant justice, and overnight change. Don’t get me wrong, being a professor, psychotherapist, parent, and person, I know all to well that urgency has its place in my life. But I have also been witness to how unchecked or unchallenged impatience can be dangerous. It distorts our perceptions and judgment while escalating our collective and individual nervous systems.

Let me explain. We are living in a time where urgency is worn like a badge of honor. We want to look and be busy. We want success and results now. Change now. Justice now. Yes, some of this momentum is necessary as many things do need to change, especially since the pace of change has exponentially increased in a very short time. But this growing impatience that is warping our ability to think clearly, act ethically, and relate amicably has cost us our humanity!

Impatience is not just about wanting something fast. It has evolved to be intolerant and appreciative of systemic processes. There is not time or desire to learn or be uncomfortable, which are precursors to growth as discussed in my article To Change or Not to Change.

We have been socially conditioned to believe that if something is not fixed instantly, it must be broken and will likely remain so forever, which is not acceptable. Our toxic thinking patterns condone our behavior to not listen to people who disagree with us or justify any action we take when we are frustrated. This has shown up throughout our history and has not necessarily served us well. Toxic thinking often overshadows our ability to critically think about the issues we are facing, creating even more problems.

Social media has been a successful medium for developing the blind sheep phenomenon where people have lost their capacity for critical thinking and constructive conversation. This phenomenon does not bring about justice. It is reactionary and void of true responsibility for change. Toxic impatience leaves no room for nuances for understanding, conversations, or progress. What may have started out as inspired movements for justice quickly escalates into destructive, sometimes even violent, acts of chaos rooted in entitlement and unprocessed pain.

Forgetting that systemic change is slow because it is layered, lived in, and made of people (a diversity of people which adds to our beautiful complexity), dismisses the value of our very own humanness, while justifying destruction and harm. There is a difference between holding systems accountable and reducing individuals to symbols of blame.

I have seen this type of toxic impatience impact entire professions. For example, in law enforcement, where we are very well aware that reform and cultural change is needed. Many officers report feeling vilified to the point that they are afraid to eat in public, afraid to be seen in uniform or in their cars because of the targeted violence, ambushing, and killing. Not because of individual wrongdoing, but because an entire profession is being generalized through one lens of outrage. That is what impatience does. It demands sweeping decisions, instant resolutions, and zero tolerance for the slow process of reform. Impatience does that. It demands resolution without respecting responsibility or the reality of change.

Lasting change has never been instant. Healing has always taken time. All systems have complexities and nuances. Relationships are fragile and contain conflict. When we choose impatience over responsibility and persistence, we burn our bridges before we even started building them.

Impatience also harms our nervous systems by keeping us in an elevated state. Without nervous system regulation, we are more susceptible to revolution. Being in fight-or-flight, wired and exhausted, we never feel grounded enough to think clearly. Neuroscience tells us when we are calm, we think better and more clearly. Frantic states tend to cause us to follow impulses, not insight and validated information. We lose our ability to reflect, to regulate, to relate. Toxic thinking takes over.

Imagine the impact of reclaiming patience as a societal virtue, not impulsive impatience. Instead leaning into a powerful kind of patience that listens longer, plans deeper, and acts with strategic precision.

Slowing down just enough to think critically, to breathe, to stay in hard conversations gives us the grace of being more human again. This is how our society will move from pain to possibilities collectively time and time again.