When No One Has Your Back

The Toxicity of Selfishness

There is a growing grumbling and discomfort in many workplaces right now. We have been misdiagnosing the surface-level causes as burnout, staff shortages, and tight budgets. But it's not just burnout, budget cuts, or blurred boundaries. There is something deeper is at play: Selfishness. This insidious beast has silently been eroding the fabric of our trust and collaboration. Subtle, strategic selfishness shows up in our emails, in leadership decisions, in how we respond ─ or fail to respond ─ especially during moments of other people’s struggle. This is not necessarily malicious, but it is human and often goes unnoticed, until it’s too late.

This type of toxic thinking tends to peak when we find workplaces in survival-mode. Unfortunately, I have been seeing this toxic pattern proliferate in many sectors, including law enforcement, healthcare, and education. Selfishness tends to thrive when people believe there is not enough to go around. Not enough credit, not enough resources, and not enough security.

When people are stretched too thin, our instinct is to self-preserve. Which is ok for short periods of time to restore our individual capacities. It is when this becomes the prevalent nature of the environment being exercised by many that the culture begins to corrode. Trust disintegrates. Generosity becomes scarce. People simply stop showing up for each other. Not because they are heartless, but because the system has conditioned them to believe that looking out for yourself is safer than leaning in, especially when compounded by the belief that we are in survival mode. Everything becomes a competition instead of a collaboration toward shared goals. Inhumanity dominates.

Toxic thinking like “It’s me versus them” makes it easy to rationalize our seemingly ruthless behavior. “I am too busy” or “It’s not my role. Someone else can step up.” But the hard truth is selfishness, whether overt or disguised as professionalism, disconnects us from the heartbeat of our humanity. When leaders model this behavior, the damage multiplies and flows quickly through the human system. When someone says, “I’ve got your back,” but disappears when it matters most, people learn that showing up is conditional and an option. When leaders say one thing and do another, they praise individuals publicly and then abandon them privately, performative kindness is not true support. It is transactional, and it teaches everyone around them to behave the same. Leaders lead and followers follow.

The most successful teams are not those where everyone is vying for their own win. They are the ones where people feel safe enough to be unselfish and kind. Where people think, “I’ve got you.” When leaders demonstrate humility, make space for others to succeed, and admit mistakes, they create a climate where people can breathe, feel safe, and foster compassion.

The toxic thinking of selfishness is not just a workplace issue. It is a public health issue that we have been experiencing worldwide with our suicide epidemic that no one talks about. I discuss this openly with my suicide prevention initiative I shared in An Invitation to be Part of Something Life Saving. The danger increases because the more isolated and invisible people feel, the more likely they are to spiral into mental health struggles, sink deeper into their toxic thinking patterns, and eventually into potential crisis.

Chris Peterson, one of the founding voices in positive psychology, left us with a simple but powerful mantra: “Other people matter.” We have forgotten that, or at least do not remember it enough. It feels like we have replaced it with “Everyone for themselves” instead.

My mission continues to be to humanize our workplaces. In order to achieve this, we must restore our belief that “Everyone matters.” None of us will succeed without the support of others. We were not meant to. We are wired for connection and collaboration. Life is about making it to the finish line and making sure others get there with you. We need to shift our toxic thinking from ego to ‘together’ thinking as an ecosystem. In a healthy human system, everyone has a role. Everyone matters and makes a difference.

So, I leave with the following thoughts to help you make the shift:

1. Are my actions reinforcing connection or protecting only myself?

2. Are my choices rooted in courage or in fear?

These are important reflections because selfishness may start as a survival strategy, but over periods of time, it builds walls between people who are supposed to work together or live together. We are not meant to navigate this world alone. No job, no deadline, no ambition is worth sacrificing our humanity.